This guy. We met during a pandemic. Yes, I dated a nurse during a pandemic. Our first date, we met for tailgate coffee and talked for four and a half hours. Up until that date and every day after, we texted diary-type confessionals back and forth about who we were and silly shit. He faithfully sent me good morning and good night texts every day as if I was the first thing he thought of when he woke up and before he went to sleep.
Our second date was a movie in the park on the iPad. He was smooth with the movie title selection but not with his moves. We were on the ground on a comforter, FREEZING our asses off so I spooned in front of him. We both instantly warmed up. At the end of the date, he said “fuck it” out loud and gently grabbed my face and kissed me softly like a best version kiss in any rom-com. His lips communicating but sweetly, like they were asking permission to kiss me. Smoother than the first hug he gave me after the first date when I stepped on his foot and he lost balance a little.
I liked that clumsiness. It was charming to me. I liked his heart and his soul and really liked his blue eyes and also his lips too. I liked his family and even his dog. I liked his dumb ass sense of humor. I liked that he challenged me. I liked that he was a sore loser and I could beat him at shit. Even rock, paper, scissors but especially annihilate him at Guitar Hero. I liked that we liked a lot of the same stuff. I loved the way he made laugh.
He told me I was beautiful, sexy and I had a sway when I walked that he liked. He told me that I was a phenomenal lover while we were in the car picking up wings to-go and also said I was fucking gorgeous while he grilled filets for dinner one night. He made sure I was a highly satisfied recipient in bed. That was nice. He even brought me warm washcloths. That was an amazing act of kindness that I’m usually the one doing. He told me that he wanted me to be his person one day while carrying me around the pool. He made me laugh, like really laugh.
We graduated to sleepovers quickly because of the distance between us and pandemic-time. We didn’t have many places to go and spend time together. It was an amazing way to really get to know each other and our families. I quickly lost my fears of sleeping with a man in my bed and sharing myself with someone new. I started to trust his words and actions. I had no reason not to. It really was amazing. Then shit hit the fan.
It wasn’t all good. 6 weeks of going through his med changes. Being a part of that broke my heart into 1,000 pieces. Not just because I watched the person in front of me disappear, but mostly the human part of sitting with someone while they struggle and either not be able to help them or they don’t want you to. That was brutal to navigate and be kind. But I did it. I didn’t like the ups and downs. It left me second guessing myself more than I can handle.
I went through the breakup and getting my stuff from his house with no explanation and zero emotion after 3 months of sleepovers, a vacation together with the kids, silly adventures and a lot of laughs. I wrote this THANK YOU/FUCK YOU piece after that breakup but before we got back together… yes I did that dumb shit, I gave him me AGAIN after he sucker punched me in the heart the first time. I like to make real sure the horse is dead and on fire before I give up. Also, I didn’t think this clumsy guy had that much game but as my friends point out without taking a breath or letting me finish saying he has no game, tell me “well he got you didn’t he? He had to have some game”. Bitches. I hate when they call me out but love them for it at the same time.
Here’s the piece I call THANK YOU, FUCK YOU:
Thank you for making your time with me and towards me a priority in your life for a short time and then ripping it away but leaving me dangling on a string of gut wrenching unsure-ness.
You showed me that I was worth the care, time and attention of someone just because of who I am and what I represent in the world.
You showed me how to accept myself exactly as I am but still want to be better.
You showed me that I was beautiful, kind, funny, sexy, caring, attentive, thoughtful and that I could overcome my fears of opening my heart to someone new as part of my growth by being kind and wanting to know me.
Once I was sure that I wanted to try to open myself up to you, you rolled away from me night after night as I tried to support and care for you and I challenged myself to stay instead of run. You showed me that my heart is not hardened by the hard stuff I’ve been through and that I might want to try that again with someone else.
You showed me that with the right person, I would want to sleep next to my best friend again one day after getting very comfortable sleeping alone for 13 years.
You showed me that my body was beautiful and I should not be so self conscious about it even when you no longer wanted to touch me or kiss me for no reason. I could still love someone in the verb sense of the word. That I could give and give with nothing in return because of the right reasons …but also that it didn’t feel good for me after a long period that didn’t make any sense. That’s growth on my part and a gift that hurts but a gift all the same.
Thanks for ignoring me and withdrawing your attention when I didn’t understand why. You taught me what not to accept from someone who says they like your face and your everything but doesn’t mean it.
Thank you for blaming my life and my dogs for not wanting to share my life with me after no explanation and a promise to engage when you were feeling better. It showed me that that’s not the person for me. It showed me that the right person would do anything to make time for me if I was important to them. That is a blessing for me. I won’t soon forget that.
Thank you for teaching me not to give all of myself to someone that tells you that they want you to be their person. You taught me that I don’t want to close myself off or not be myself but that not everyone deserves all of me. I also won’t soon forget this either.
Thank you for being interested in my life, my work, my life stories and then acting disinterested or even annoyed if I wanted to talk about it. You taught me that even if someone says they want to know your life and your “crazy”, sometimes they don’t mean it and those gems of who I am matter to me and should matter to someone who really actually wants to be my person.
Thank you for making me think about my love language(s) even if you didn’t really want to know what they are, even after asking me. It still made me think about what it is that I want and need in a partner. You showed me what I wanted and needed and yanked it away. Piece by piece I learned what it was that I didn’t want to live without.
So even though you hurt me in the deepest part of my heart, I learned a lot. I felt a lot. I took a lot of steps on my journey of loving myself and now I know I won’t accept less than what I deserve but also that I’m capable of loving and giving myself to the right person. So for that, thank you.
I will miss your hugs (they are amazing) but not the way you withheld them without warning or cause.
I will miss kissing you but not the way you changed it to a cold peck as if my lips offended you.
I will miss having sex with you but not the way you rejected me coldly and matter-of-factly as if I should just automatically understand that, making me afraid to open up that very private part of me to you.
I will miss sleeping next to you, especially when you reached to pull me closer in your sleep, but not the way you turned away from me before bed without even saying goodnight, something you said was important to you as we got to know each other even if couples were fighting and also the thing about being able to agree to disagree.
I will miss your good morning and good night texts that came…but not the way it felt when they just stopped without a second thought and the little blip of sadness I had that they were gone.
I will miss the silly stories we exchanged about our days and mid-day checkins with each other as if we chose that together but not when it turned into just me pretending that I should still send them when you didn’t, just because that’s who I am. Even though I was confused and bummed, but optimistically being me and not letting your changes change who I am. All with a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach every damn time.
Instead of using your words like a grown ass man, you gave and then withdrew your attention, time and touch as if I had a plague. It was hurtful, dishonest of sorts and completely cold. It’s cruel to withhold affection in a relationship but it’s a special kind of cruel to give it and then yank it away suddenly without any words spoken. I would never do that to you, just as another human being but also as my friend. That tells me that I don’t even have your respect as a friend.